Worth It
by It's Because I'm EMO
Summary: Casey finds herself pregnant, will it change her life? Is it possible for her to remain herself and find the happiness she never knew? When he didn't understand she only wanted revenge, but will a terrible event force them back together? R&R hints of EO.
1. The first Kiss is Innocent

Author's note: OK so tell me if you like it, I'll update only if a good number of people show interest. Then again if you think it's crap tell me.

Disclaimer: I don't own L&O SVU.

"Please Olivia I need your help." Casey pleaded, helplessly staring at Olivia.

Olivia stared back sensing the urgency in Casey's voice, the longing for help, for something close to compassion. Casey was crying, shaking too, and Olivia could feel the fear, gripping its claws tighter and tighter around Casey, smothering her, "Casey honey, don't worry, you know I'm hear for you sweetie."

She was talking to Casey like she would a victim but Casey didn't seem to mind, she was just grateful that Olivia understood, that she had at least one good friend. She was afraid, not just for what was going to become of her, but for fear of love. She wasn't supposed to love him, certainly not now, but she did. He didn't even know, "Thank you…sorry I just don't know what to do."

Olivia was silent for a short moment but eventually she responded in an even tone, "Who's the father?"

"I…can't tell you." Casey muttered gripped by fear, what would Olivia think if she knew Casey had a relationship with…him? What would the world think, they couldn't possibly understand.

"Casey honey, I know it's hard, but it could be Munch for all I care and I wouldn't be mad at you, it's just he's got to know-whoever he is." Olivia replied, in a voice devoid of emotion, but Casey knew Olivia was secretly full of emotions, waiting to burst out.

"Actually…"

"It is John, isn't it?" Olivia questioned, her eyes seeming to judge Casey.

"It's not his fault, we were always careful." It brought her pain to say this, she made no mistakes, but something went wrong.

"I know sweetie, don't worry, I'll take care of you," Olivia said soothingly, "Have you told him yet?"

"No…I just wanted things to be normal between us, I don't want a baby Olivia! I can't be a mother."

"Casey you know you can get an abortion, if you're not ready."

Casey had already considered this option, though she had nothing against abortion she knew she couldn't go through with it. She bit her tongue and thought back to John, the way he made her feel, she could see herself spending her life with him, but she wasn't ready for something as final as a child, not yet.

XXXXXXXXXX

Six months earlier.

She could feel that spring was at last upon them, winter had lasted too long, well at least in her mind it had. It was warm enough not to keep the heating on anymore and the flowers were beginning to sprout, she smiled in spite of herself, in spite of the recent case.

She'd just won a case though, meaning it was time to drink coffee and start her paperwork, outside the night slowly fell upon the city. She sighed and tried to drink more coffee to keep her awake. She was going to finish up though and then head home, she needed the rest, tomorrow would bring a new case and she had to be prepared for it. She was getting up preparing to leave when she saw Munch approach her office.

She raised a wary eyebrow when he opened the door without knocking first, "What you don't even give me the courtesy of knocking before you intrude?" She asked jokingly.

"Yeah, well anyways," he responded not smiling back at her, "Captain wants to see you at the precinct."

"And…he couldn't call to tell me that?"

"No that would ruin all my fun, instead of running errands like a delivery boy I'd end up doing my job."

Casey smirked, "Like you ever do your job."

"Very funny now common, let me be your escort." He responded dryly.

"So really why are you here?" Casey asked.

"The captain's growing paranoid, he thinks you'll get assaulted if you walk to your car alone, that and I was bothering him so he thought of a quick fix to get me away," He replied, Casey laughed softly at this and smiled at him, this time he returned the smile, "Common lets get you to the precinct safely."

XXXXXXXX

"Whose car are we using?" Casey asked.

"Mine, I wont be coming back here." He explained, he opened the car door for her and she got in, a small smile tugging at her lips.

She didn't start putting her seat belt on instead she waited for him to get in the other side, he looked at her, a quizzical expression on his face, she leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips. She blushed slightly as she pulled away, not sure if she'd done the right thing or not, he sat a little awkwardly starring at her. She'd done the wrong thing, she hadn't read his thoughts, and his liking her back was just wishful thinking. But then he smiled, "What was that for?" He asked.

She smiled back but this time she didn't say anything sarcastic or annoying in return, this time she was content with the silence. Because sometimes she knew words weren't needed, sometimes it was okay to just think, and breathe.

Author's note: OK so did you like it, how can I improve? Review, I know I'm a review whore lol, anyways I'll update if you're interested.


	2. Awaking to the Truth

Author's note: Lol ok due to a certain reviewer and the fact that Munch is technically my father's age (which is what actually disturbs me) I'm making him 15 years older than Casey, I don't know how old she is exactly but she must be in her early thirties, right? So he's now younger but still old and cynical. Everybody wins lol. Also I'm going to start adding EO into this, but only hints. Or possibly more than hints but this story is mostly about Casey so I have to keep on track. On another note thank you to my seven lovely reviewers, my lucky number hehe. Anyways moving onto the actually story (but remember to still review but because otherwise this story goes byebye)

Disclaimer: Still don't own them but if anyone wants to buy me a Christmas or new years present well you know what I want.

_Present_

It's hard to live life, pretending things are fine, that nothing has changed. Breathe in; breathe out, smile, nod, and walk, run. It is fine everything is fine…But it's not something went wrong, something isn't right…

Casey had to walk, she'd prefer running but she knew that she didn't have the energy reserved for it. She tried to pretend nothing was happening that life, if it was possible was fine, normal even. But it wasn't and something was changing, inside of her, worse yet something was _growing_. It wasn't a thing she corrected herself, it was her child, _his_ child, but she didn't want to think of that, for the moment she just wanted to walk.

It was lunch, that usually pleasant time of the day when she didn't have to focus on her work. But now she tried thinking of the case, anything to distract her from her real problem. It was sad really, she thought of her unborn child as a problem, a nuisance. She wanted to love it, for it to be a part of her life, but all it was his child, and he certainly wouldn't be able to take it.

He didn't want to spend the rest of his life with her, he'd told her that. He'd said he wasn't comfortable that it was wrong for someone his age, and who was so much older than her to have a relationship with her. He didn't want her, and he certainly wouldn't want a child…if he found out. Of course he didn't know, not yet, and there was no way in hell that Casey planned on telling him anytime soon.

She kept on bumping into people, why couldn't she have chosen a nice walk through central park instead of through such a busy street. She cursed herself, just another mistake. Sighing she looked about her but didn't dare stop walking. There were so many people going about their busy lives immersed in their own problems, their desires and fears, how many were like her?

XXXXXXXX

_Past_

She felt heavy and peaceful as she awoke, she clung desperately to the last rays of sleep, not wanting to leave the peacefulness behind. Her eyes opened slowly adjusting to the morning light. She wasn't in her own apartment, at first this confused her, the previous night she'd gone out to the bar with the detectives, not out looking for a one-night stand.

As she rolled over and looked around she smiled to herself, no one was there but she suddenly remembered the previous night and knew who's house she was at.

She looked around for a clock and finally saw one perched beside the bed, there was still an hour for her to get to work but she had to get ready. She quickly threw on her cloths and attempted to tie her hair back in a ponytail but failing to find a hair tie she just brushed it quickly and left the room. She searched for a mirror, didn't Munch look at himself at all? She wondered uselessly, she sighed, where was he anyways?

She heard him cough near by, she poked around a bit, there he was sitting at his kitchen table and sipping a coffee. He didn't notice her and suddenly she felt young and shy, she tried to shrug off the feeling but couldn't. She muttered a half hearted hi and his head shot up, "Oh, you're awake." He said simply and for some reason all her awkwardness was cast aside.

XXXXXXXXXXX

She wondered vaguely if anyone would notice that they were both wearing the same clothes as the day before, but even if anyone did they probably wouldn't consider the possibility of the ADA and the cynical old detective sleeping together. She smiled at this thought; no one ever had to know.

She sat down in her office feeling for once perfectly comfortable in it. Ever since she was attacked and had to be rescued by Olivia she always felt and ting of fear, like someone awaited her in the shadows, maybe behind her desk? But today she ignored it, and sipped her coffee contently.

A little after noon she was called over to the precinct to be briefed on the latest case by Cragen. Olivia and Elliot were arguing again, but no big surprise there, Casey knew Olivia was probably just trying to help Elliot but that he'd blown up at her, again. She sighed inwardly, everyone except for Olivia seemed to know better than to even talk to Elliot, and it had to be hard for her. Occasionally Casey would get a sneaking suspicion that Olivia liked Elliot, but then why not tell anyone? So she ignored it and switched her attention else where.

There was an over all grim feeling that hung about the detectives, had the latest case been too much for them? She tried shrugging it off but there was something about Olivia's presence that disturbed her, something that wasn't right and the next day when she discovered that Olivia had requested a new partner somehow Casey wasn't surprised. Elliot was though, angry too, but there was nothing surprising about that.

Casey remained by Olivia's side but she knew it wasn't Olivia who needed the help; it was Elliot. Nevertheless Casey and Elliot had never been particularly close, there'd always be a distance between them that couldn't be changed, and Elliot had built up walls around him that only one person could pull down and that was Olivia.

Olivia would be back, Casey was relatively confident about that but in the mean time how would Elliot survive? With no one to confide in he'd surely just take out his anger on suspects, again. Munch on the other hand wasn't very worried about how Elliot would act without Olivia there to guide him; he just wanted to make sure Olivia was fine.

"You've spoken to her right?" he questioned.

"Yeah she'll be fine," Casey answered and taking a deep breath voiced a thought that had been troubling her, "Do you think there was something going on between them?"

"I doubt it, besides; Olivia is your best friend right?" He asked and Casey nodded, "She'd tell you if there was anything going on between them."

"But I haven't told her about…" She trailed off but Munch knew what she was thinking and finished for her.

"_Us_."

Author's note: OKz that's it for now, remember to review lol, and constructive criticism is always welcome, I'll try to improve the grammar thing a bit, i.e. listen in English class for once.


	3. Wanting Revenge

Author's note: OK even though I am not feeling the love from my reviewers I have decided to be generous, but don't expect me to update whether or not you review, you're just lucky I already had the first three chapters written before I initially put up this story lol. If you want me to actually write another you're going to have to start showing me the love again, honestly how does 7 reviews go down to only three, did chapter two suck that much lol? I'm sorry I'm review whoring again, oh whatever just review lol.

Her head kept spinning in circles, contradicting itself; punishing itself, hating its counterpart, her heart. She had to tell him, it was now or never, she knew that if she didn't just get it over with then he'd never know, that is until she actually started looking like she was pregnant, even then he might not consider the possibility that he was the father.

"Hey Munch can I talk to you?" She asked, purposefully using his last name, he winced slightly, like he'd been slapped.

"Yeah." He managed to respond, he looked a bit annoyed. Casey nodded and breathed in deeply, bracing herself.

"I know you don't want us to be together, but right now I need you."

"Listen, I'm sorry Case' but…" he stopped and looked at her for a few moments, "I love you, I really do but I can't love you in that way, I'm too old for you, _move on_."

Casey felt an overwhelming anger flood through her, "You don't even know why I'm here!" She yelled, "If you loved me you'd have asked me what was wrong, but you don't care, if I leave now and I never come back, if you never saw me again, it wouldn't…matter."

"Listen I can't deal with this right now, I don't know if you're PMSing or what, but don't take out your problems on me, we're over, we have been for two months now."

The anger sizzled in her veins, making her blood boil, "You little bastard, you pathetic, cynical, heartless old man-"

"Is there any other reason you've come here?" He asked cutting her off, "Really get hormone pills or something, I'm sorry if you're having your period Casey but I can't change the fact that I'm 15 years older than you, and being together is _wrong_."

She felt weak and drained, she was still angry but she didn't have much energy left, "I don't have my period…I haven't for two months…" She said, she paused, looking at his face, for any sign of love, something to show he cared, and that he'd do anything for her, to make sure that she was OK, but nothing, just the anger of someone who as cynical and paranoid as he was couldn't understand what was right in front of him.

"Oh whatever stop bitching at me then." He said not realizing what she meant, he looked angry and annoyed, but he was just naïve, Casey knew that.

"You don't get it do you, I missed, we were together two months ago and I haven't had my period since…Munch…do you get it yet?"

Suddenly he looked small and young; his eyes flickered over towards her, they showed a strange emotion, what was it fear, regret or love? She couldn't tell but she knew that she'd hit her mark, "Are you…you can't be…" he muttered, her anger towards him moved on to somewhere in the back of her mind, "Casey please tell me you're not…pregnant."

The anger started pumping through he blood again, he didn't want the baby, he didn't want her. The bastard.

"I wish I could tell you otherwise but the tests say I am…the doctor says I am," she began, "I'm sorry but this is what I was talking about when I said I needed you. Because otherwise to me you're still a bastard and I couldn't care less about you, but you're going to have to be a part of my baby's life, bastard or not, you're its father."

He looked away, trying to hide the tears that formed in his eyes. He pushed his glasses up, hoping she wouldn't see that he was close to crying. She'd meant to hurt him, she'd been after revenge, he'd hurt her, so now she'd play Karma's soldier and seek her revenge, it was only fair after all, "I hope you're happy," She muttered darkly, "Of course after screwing up as many marriages as you have I'm sure this is no big deal."

He remained stony silent not caring anymore whether or not she saw him cry, the tears freefell from his eyes, "I'm sorry…Casey, please forgive me."

She snorted, "But I thought you'd be _so_ happy to hear the news," She said sarcastically, "Thanks for ruining my life."

XXXXXXXXX

_Past _

"People think this is wrong Casey."

"Who cares what people think? I don't, all I care about is how I feel right now, and whenever I'm with you." She responded sweetly feeling the overpowering love for him, the same love she'd always felt, since the day they'd first met.

"I'm sorry Casey but…I don't want to be with you. I can't, it is wrong; I don't want to be with you, not in that way. Not anymore, I'm sorry I played with your heart."

XXXXXXXXX

_Past_

"Casey sweetie are you sure that nothings wrong?" Olivia asked.

Casey shook her head, "No, nothing's…wrong, its _right_," she said, or at a least in their eyes she thought, "What about you, you've returned from being undercover so why haven't you gotten back to the precinct yet?" She asked avoiding the topic.

Olivia shrugged, "I'm just not ready to go back yet."

"Don't you want to see Elliot? At least tell him you're back 'Liv."

Olivia didn't say anything for a few minutes, "No, he obviously prefers his new partner to me anyways."

"Olivia, do you love him?"

"Of course, he's one of my best friends."

"But do you love him, love him?" Casey questioned, it was now or never, she had to find out.

"Please don't tell anyone Casey, but I do and I know I'm not supposed to but I love him, even if it's frowned upon, I know you don't understand, no one does."

Casey smirked, "Oh but believe me, I do understand." She responded dryly, even if Olivia didn't understand, she loved John, but people just couldn't bring themselves to accept the age difference, even if he couldn't. She felt the tears coming on but she didn't want Olivia to see, she didn't want anybody to see.

Author's note: Well my darlings, if you're still interested in this story make sure to review.


	4. Weakness'

Author's note: OK this is the chapter where the past starts to catch up with the present, if there is another chapter (and people would just review, which thankfully they sort of started to do in the last chapter, five reviews isn't bad but still not as good as the first chapter) then there'll be no more of this past and present business. Anyways as usual I'll be a review whore and threaten you (bwahaha) if I don't get enough reviews then I won't continue this story.

Disclaimer: Oh christmas is almost here, I hope Santa got me the rights to own law and order SVU like I asked him for. Anyways until then I don't claim to own law and SVU or any of it's characters I'm just using them ( and messing with their lives) for none-profit purposes.

"You told him, right darling?" Olivia questioned.

Casey nodded numbly, the scars from her fight with John still lingering in her mind. She just couldn't speak; her heart was a block of ice inside of her.

"Sweetie, what did he say?"

"H-he'll pay child support and take of the baby when I need him to." She responded her voice coming in short gasps.

Olivia looked worried, "He better be a good father, if he doesn't you know I'll be after him for it."

Casey nodded, she knew full well that John would easily step up to the plate of fatherhood but he'd never love her, he'd never tell anyone he had a child, he'd never want to _marry_ Casey. That was what she wanted, whether or not she admitted to it, she wanted to be married to the man who was fathering her unborn child. She wanted him to go out and buy baby clothes paint a little room and fill it with a crib and all the necessities their child would need. But he'd never do that, at least not with her. She sobbed and gasped.

"Casey honey, are you OK? Are you feeling all right sweetie?"

Casey shook her head, "N-no, oh Olivia why can't he love me?" She asked, "Why doesn't he want to be with me?"

Olivia looked Casey in the eyes, "Darling he must be a fool not to love you, besides" She added, "I'm not a lesbian or anything but I am _totally_ attracted to you."

"Olivia!" Casey joked punching her friend lightly in the arm.

"Don't worry, unlike him you're young, you still have a future and a thousand people who'd love to be with you, just waiting to meet you, just waiting to fall in love with you."

"Yeah well," She scoffed, "They didn't impregnate me."

Olivia rolled her eyes, at least Olivia thought, Casey's doing better. At least she wasn't getting any worse Olivia reminded herself; she knew though that she'd have to make sure Casey kept getting better, "Sweetie you promise me you'll be OK, all right?"

"I'm trying 'Liv I really am." She responded she stared Olivia in the eye hoping Olivia would know that she meant it.

XXXXXXXXX

"You better treat her well." Olivia said forcefully as she approached John's desk, Fin who sat near by raised an amused eyebrow.

"What have you gotten yourself into this time?" Fin asked.

John rolled his eyes, "Why don't we take this elsewhere?" he asked.

"No here's fine, why? Haven't you told your partner that you got one of my best friend's _pregnant_?"

"Can you even still do that?" Fin questioned.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Munch shot back.

Olivia sighed, "You better start treating her better, and I don't care if you marry her or not, you just better treat her better," she said viciously, "And you really should marry her but I know you, you're not that great, you're just another egotistical old man."

"I love her Olivia, but you know full well that I'm too old for her, that what happened between us was wrong," he explained, "Besides I'll treat the kid right, I'll be a good father." he almost sounded convinced himself but Olivia saw a falter in his eyes, a momentary weakness that told her he was scared of being a single father, just like Casey was scared of being a single mother.

"Stop being such a bastard you've gotten my friend pregnant! You obviously didn't care about the age difference when you were fucking her, so why do you care now?"

Munch looked mildly shocked Fin however had lost his smile and was muttering something about needing to go see Cragen, he left in a hurry leaving Munch and Olivia alone, "Olivia you know it's not right for me to be with her, I love her but I cant, I _can't_ love her like that."

"But you do love her," Olivia muttered suddenly her usual gentle self. Munch averted his gaze but Olivia could tell that she was right, he loved her, and perhaps, she thought, he was just scared that it wasn't real, that even if it was the world couldn't accept it. She gathered her breath and continued, "Casey's your world right, so why do you care what a bunch of people you don't even know think?"

XXXXXXXXX

_Past_

It was over, all over, and yet she could grasp her mind around the concept that maybe she and Munch weren't meant to be. It was only two weeks since they'd split up, he showed no signs of caring but people were beginning to notice something had changed in Casey, namely Olivia but even Elliot had shown his concern. She was due to have her period but it hadn't come yet, she shrugged it off. Not wanting to go down that road.

Why did he have to be that way? She loved him, couldn't he love her back? He was supposed to love her back, they were supposed to be together, and somehow she just knew it. It was a truth embedded within her soul, a terrible weakness and longing, yet more, she needed him, and even if he denied it she knew that he needed her too.

She fumbled with a pen at her desk, scribbling down work, well pretending to anyways. But she needed time to think; time to bring him back to her. Time to convince him that he loved her, that age didn't matter.

XXXXXXXXX

I couldn't be…she couldn't possibly be, pregnant, could she? She felt cold and lonely, no the test was _wrong_. It had to be, she wasn't even with John anymore, and she wasn't even ready for a child. She swallowed hard; she'd get the doctor to check it out. That would clear everything up; the doctor would explain that there was a mistake in the test and that Casey was not in fact pregnant.

"I am not pregnant." She said aloud to herself as she crumbled to a ball on her bathroom floor, but just saying those words didn't make them real. Still she pretended they were real for the time being, just to pull her through until the doctor told her the truth, the next day.

Casey felt sick, it wasn't the baby per say, it was the sinking feeling she had about John, he couldn't know, he wouldn't want her, he wouldn't want to know. She swallowed hard letting herself sink further and further into the hole she'd gotten herself into. It wasn't fair they'd used protection, this wasn't supposed to happen, they weren't supposed to happen, they weren't supposed to ever be a 'they' it was just supposed to be Casey alone and Munch lonely.


	5. Bullets

Author's note: Ok review are still Ok enough for me to continue, hopefully we can keep this up. But yes please do review because I am a review whore and a bitch who will not update this story unless she gets enough people feeding her addiction.

Disclaimer: No still don't claim to own L&O SVU or any of its characters, however let me just say generous presents are accepted this time of year coughs that means you Dickie, I think it would fantastic if you gave me your show for Christmas, but we'll talk.

Olivia kept constant eye over Casey but she noticed that Casey was becoming better at hiding her emotions, she held herself together so well. Although the first few days of Casey's pregnancy she'd been emotional the overall hormones were starting to die down and Casey wasn't showing her emotions anymore. Olivia had thought this would be good, but somehow she knew Casey was still terrified, deep down inside, even if she didn't show it, Casey was brave in that way, facing her problems even if they were the scariest things in the world.

She didn't seem happy though, or sad, she was emotionless and this was what worried Olivia, it was fine for Casey to act tough and everything but she also had to express her emotions every once and a while. Olivia knew from experience that eventually if Casey kept her stony expression up she'd let all her emotions out at once.

Occasionally Munch would try to make eye contact with Casey, send her a fleeting glance, but she pretended not to notice and only spoke to him if she had to. Olivia's words rung true though, if he really loved Casey then he wouldn't care what other people thought of them. He wanted to tell her that he was an asshole, that he loved her, that he wanted to go back to before things went wrong, to their first kiss. He wanted that one kiss to last forever, because then he'd never be sad again.

Fin occasionally teased Munch about getting Casey pregnant but seemed to understand that it was a touchy subject. Elliot still didn't know anything, or at least he didn't have any proof, he'd had children himself and he knew the signs, he wasn't stupid. With or without people telling him, he'd have known that Casey was pregnant.

XXXXXXXXX

It wasn't Casey's favourite time of the year, it was Christmas day, and she was vomiting in a toilet. She was spending the holidays with her family, which only added to her discomfort. She'd never particularly felt at home with her parents or cousins or aunts and uncles, for her friends were family all her friends were busy with their own lives and even Olivia was spending the holidays with Elliot and his family.

Her parents' bathroom felt like a clinic and smelt faintly of lemon air freshener. The whole house reminded her of a hospital which like most people she'd never felt comfortable in. Her parents didn't know about her pregnancy, she wanted to get things sorted out before she told them, she had a feeling they'd force John to marry her if they found out. She worried they'd notice but her stomach wasn't very big yet.

She sighed as the last of the vomit left her mouth and went to brush her teeth. This definitely wasn't the best Christmas ever, but there was almost New Years, and she wouldn't be with her parents then.

XXXXXXXXX

"Well that was the best Christmas ever." Casey said sarcastically to Fin when they returned to work, he grumbled in agreement but the conversation went no further. Cragen had arrived.

"Novak, what brings you here?" He questioned.

"Just saying hi."

"Yeah well get back to work." He muttered before entering his office and locking the door behind him.

"What was with him?" Casey asked.

"He's never been a huge fan of the holidays." Fin responded but didn't go any further, Olivia and Elliot walked in, smiling, but no sign of Munch.

"Where's Munch gotten to, he was here yesterday, did he take a sick day."

No one responded, Casey gave a half hearted shrug but didn't answer his question, "I should get going…" she said instead and trailed of as Munch walked in. She gathered her belongings and quickly exited the room; Munch stared at her retreating form and after a few minutes followed her.

The air outside was cold, but not as much as one would expect for December 26, people bustled two and fro spending all their Christmas money in search of 75 off signs. He scanned the flocks of people in search of Casey and spotted her strawberry blonde hair near by, "Casey! Wait!" He called but she didn't stop but instead walked faster and hid herself within the crowd. Munch followed not caring if he got in trouble for leaving work. He trailed Casey for a while, not knowing where she was going, because she was going in the opposite direction of her work. He didn't understand until she stopped in front a small shop with women pilling in it, a baby store. He sighed, of course.

"Casey?" he asked, tapping her lightly on the shoulder, she turned around and faced him her eyes shinning.

"This is where we should be, together. But…we're…"

"Not together," He finished then added hastily, "but we are here, and we're together even if it's not in that way, that's got to count for something."

She sighed, "Is this what you really want?" she asked, "For us to raise our child and constantly fight over custody? I just…I don't want that, I want something more."

"Listen Casey…I just I need some more time to think," He said, "and to breathe."

"I think you've had plenty of that. Whatever, I…fine, just _fine_. I'm going home, I called in sick today."

He sighed and she didn't have time to react before it happened. He felt the sudden pull of darkness as his mind began to go fuzzy; there was no pain, just a momentary confusion before he hit the ground. Casey curled up into a ball before another bullet shot by and nearly hit her too, around her people were screaming and being showered with bullets, well some lay wounded others fled crowding into the stores and hiding, as if they thought that would protect them. She was too distracted and quickly bent over John and pressed on his wound. She felt a bullet slice through her shoulder before she too was pulled into a deep darkness.

Author's note: Ok I admit slightly more dramatic ending for this chapter than I originally intended but trust, it served its purpose. Anyways, so long as you're still interested in this story review and happy holidays. Ciao.


	6. Boy

Author's note: OK pretty good reviews last time, anyways being the review whore that I am I still want more, bwahaha! coughs anywho, review and tell me what cha think.

Disclaimer: Damn that Dick Wolf, I ask him politely for his TV show for Christmas and he doesn't get me anything. Blah you know the drill, I don't own L&O SVU or any of its characters.

The sudden pull of life was a contrast to the darkness of unconsciousness. It seemed like the blink of an eye, like just a moment before she'd been in a different place, yelling at Munch. Her mind felt fuzzy and she found it took almost all her energy to open up her eye lids. She found the white walls and bright lights of the room dazzled her eyes.

"Should we put her back to sleep?" A timid, female voice said, as if from a great distance.

"No, that shouldn't be necessary." A young male voice responded.

Casey's mind went blurry again before the darkness swept her back into sleep, at first she struggled against its pull but her strength failed her.

XXXXXXXX

"Hi, I'm detective Stabler and this is my partner, detective Benson, we're here to see Casey Novak."

"Sure, just have a seat well I just check if she's available."

As they walked towards a set of chairs Olivia nudged him gently in the ribs, "Do you always have to do such formal introductions Elliot?" she muttered, "Honestly we're here to see our friend not do our jobs."

Elliot smirked, "Whatever."

"Do you know how John's doing? Cragen hasn't told me anything, you?"

"I don't think he's doing to well, Casey should at least be out of the hospital by next week," He replied in a whisper, "They're not as hopeful for John though, if he was doing better we'd be aloud to see him."

Olivia nodded but said nothing more, a few minutes later the receptionist told them Casey's room number, "They've got her awake now, she should be able to see you."

They nodded in unison and proceeded to go to Casey's room, Olivia felt a sense of deja vu as she entered the room, remembering the time Casey had been attacked, only this time there were no bruises or obvious injuries. Casey smiled at them as they entered and Elliot let out a breath of relief he didn't know he was holding.

"Hey." Olivia murmured.

"Hi."

"How're you honey?" Olivia asked.

"Fine, the bullet just went through my shoulder, they say I should be up and running in a couple of weeks, but that I can go home on Friday."

"That's great, but are you feeling all right…is _it_ all right?"

She got Olivia's meaning, "Yes, I think so, the doctors were worried when they first found out that I was pregnant," Casey responded, "but they ran some tests and it looks like my baby will be fine."

She then gave Elliot a questioning look, "You already knew I was pregnant right Elliot?"

"After having a few children myself it was pretty obvious."

Casey nodded but something else was troubling her, "What about John, is he OK?"

Olivia and Elliot both exchanged a quick glance, "I spoke to Cragen earlier and he said the Doctors aren't letting us see Munch…" Elliot explained, trying to be as gentle as possible.

Casey let out a shaky breath, "Will you be OK?" Olivia asked.

Quickly regaining her composure Casey responded in an even, emotionless voice, "I'm fine."

XXXXXXXXX

Finally she was back at her apartment, she'd had Olivia drive her there but now that she was alone she felt an overwhelming sense of freedom, she'd never been good with hospitals and her most recent stay had been no exception. Olivia had thought Casey was strong but at that moment Casey knew, despite her outward appearance that deep down inside she was falling apart.

The doctors were saying Munch had lost a lot of blood and that his body wasn't responding well to the treatments. The bullet had sliced a hole just beneath his lungs but only barely avoided them, Casey wanted nothing more than to see him but she hadn't gotten a chance yet. Besides she'd spoken to Cragen upon leaving the hospital and he'd told her they weren't letting Munch have visitors.

The world was a strange and cold place, every time she came close to gaining something it was ripped from her grasp. She'd always been told that it was through pain that we as humanity can grow, but whose cruel idea of a joke is that? Her shoulder still ached but that was the least of her troubles, Munch was more important.

Nevertheless she'd already come to the conclusion that she'd go see him the next day. Her heart twisted and turned what if he didn't want to see her? What if he…died? The last thought made her feel sick, even if she hated him for the way he'd acted towards her she still loved him, he was still her world, the one she knew she'd never forget. And what of their child, would it have to be raised by her alone?

She woke up at noon the next day and hurried to the hospital, "Can I see John Munch please?"

"Have a seat; it will be just one moment well I check to see if they're letting him have visitors."

The next five minutes were the most nerve raking of Casey's life, even worse than when she'd first taken the pregnancy test, but she put on a brave face, pretending not to care. The receptionist smiled sympathetically at Casey, "You can go see him now, is he you're uncle, if you don't mind me asking?"

Casey cringed inwardly, so this is why John had difficulty with the age difference, this is what he must have always felt, "No, he's my uh, colleague and friend." She responded.

"Right, well Casey a nurse will bring you in to see him." The receptionist said Casey swallowed the urge to make a sarcastic comment, she almost sighed too; it was amazing how the receptionist still knew her name from when she'd been staying at the hospital.

She followed the nurse, a young woman in her thirties, to Munch's room. She had to fight back the urge to brake down into tears when she saw him, lying pasty looking with tubes in his arms, "John?"

His eyes opened, slowly, but he managed a small smile when he saw who'd called his name. The nurse left to give them some privacy and Casey seated herself on a chair next to Munch's bed. All her anger for him vanished, all that he'd done to her, she knew was forgiven, she placed her hand in his gently and he squeezed her hand slightly, "Can you talk?" She asked gently.

"Yeah, it's just hard." He replied, his voice sounded frail but clear.

"Are you doing…OK?"

"Let's face it, I'm getting near the end of the line," he answered, he saw the look in her eyes, the one that betrayed everything that let him know her soul, "But Casey, just know that no matter what I said earlier, no matter what happens to me, if I die, know that I love you."

"You're not going to die…you're awake now, right, and that's an improvement."

"It's not really, I'm actually getting worse, they actually just have me doped up now, I hate this Casey, I'm taking drugs that are _government_ funded."

"Yeah well I better not hear anything about you refusing to take medication…"

"Don't worry I'm not really in a position to refuse my meds right now…anyways, Casey before I go, just know I'm so sorry for how I've treated you," He said, "I guess dying makes you think back on your life, all your past mistakes, and acting like I didn't care about you, because of some age difference, was one of mine, I love you, and I never want you to think I stopped loving you, because I never did, I never will."

She sighed, her insides turning, she silently prayed this wasn't the end, "I don't care about how you treated me anymore; I just don't want to lose you, _not again_."

Munch let out a shaky breath, "I'm not going to make it, you know that don't you?"

"You will make it, you have to make it, and you're the father of my child, the man I _love_."

"How's your shoulder?" He questioned, quickly changing the subject.

"Fine, it just hurts, please don't leave me John, I can't lose you, _we_ can't lose you." She said putting her free hand on her stomach. She knew her stomach was starting to grow noticeable, when the doctors had ran the tests to see if there was any harm done to the baby they'd told her it was a boy. She wondered if her child would look like his father, if her baby would be the only memory she had left of John.

Author's note: So was it good or bad?


	7. Pregnancy

Author's note: Well finally I've got this story updated, I've been neglecting the people who read this story for the past few days, but it's the holidays and well…yeah it's the holidays, there's as a good an excuse as any. Anyways I'm pleased with the amount of reviews I got for the last chapter; hopefully we can keep this up, even if it sucks I'd prefer it if you, you know, told me…But OK moving on, you all already know I'm a review whore. Although speaking of reviews for some reason I hven't been getting them on my email since chapter 4, mysterious, no?

Disclaimer: I don't own law and order SVU or any of it's characters.

Too much pity and worried looks and glances were being cast her way, it seemed like even the judge had taken a glimpse into her personal life. She had to keep her composure; pretend everything was fine, win the case, and the next one because right now winning was all that could matter.

Cragen called her into his office when she was done in the courtroom, she cringed inwardly; acutely aware of what she was being called in for.

"Casey, glad you could make it today, have a seat."

"No thanks, what did you call me in for?"

"I've spoken to your boss," He began, "And we both agree that you need some time off, what with what's happened to John and your uh…your…" he stumbled, trying to find the most gentle word possible, but only one came to mind.

"Pregnancy." Casey said understanding what he was trying to say, she sighed when did her personal life become so…un-personal?

XXXXXXXXX

She sat at her desk and ran a hand through her strawberry blonde hair. She gathered a few items to bring home with her feeling infuriated that her boss wouldn't let her work. She didn't have to take time off, she reasoned with herself; at the present time her job was the only thing to distract her from her problems, from John and from their child.

Someone knocked softly on her door, she sighed, "Who is it?" she croaked.

The door opened, "It's just me." Olivia answered gently.

"Don't you have to be at work?" Casey questioned fighting the urge to roll her eyes.

Olivia half-laughed, "It's noon, time for lunch, I thought since you don't have to be anywhere you might want to go to that cute Italian restaurant nearby."

"Sounds great." Casey replied, relieved that she didn't have to spend the rest of the day alone. Besides she could use the food, she hadn't eaten all day.

The walk to the restaurant was silent, Olivia seemed to be gathering up her thoughts, trying to figure out how to tackle the issue of what to say to Casey.

The waitress seated them beside a window that looked out onto the street, Casey stared at it with glassy eyes and sat down conscious of the fact that Olivia was waiting for her to talk. She didn't want to be the first person to talk, to bring the issue of Munch back to the present. Instead she distracted herself with the warm colors of the restaurant, immersing herself in their glow. She ordered her food without looking at Olivia and fiddled with her fork until it came fifteen minutes later. She chewed without much contentedness, not darring to say anything. But Olivia waited patiently knowing that Casey was too proud to pour all her feelings out straight away, she had to wait until Casey couldn't keep it in any longer.

"Why does this always happen to me?" She asked at last.

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked, concern echoeing in her voice.

"My old fiancé is gone, and now John is going to…_go_, too," She sobbed, "Every man I love is taken away from me." She sounded small and pathetic, so unlike the Casey Olivia had always known.

Olivia gave her a sympathetic smile and tried to gesture to the waitress to bring them some coffee, "It's not official yet Casey, John is still with us, _remember_?"

"He's dying Olivia…"

"Why don't you go see him again today?" Olivia suggested, hopping that by some miracle Munch would be miraculously cured, and Casey could forget the darkness that haunted her past.

XXXXXXXXX

"You're back." He said simply.

"Yeah, I had to see you." She said.

He sighed, feeling the weight on his shoulders increase; he couldn't leave her alone with a child. _Please don't let me die_, he said silently to the heavens. He was sitting in his hospital bed, with only his heart monitor attached to him. She lent forward to give him a kiss, "Let's start from the beginning," He muttered, "Let's make this the first kiss, pretend that everything that's happened up to know is meaningless, that everything starts now."

She sighed, "I'm not going to pretend that nothing bad has happened," she said, "But I want to move on, I want you to be OK, and I want you to forget about our age difference, to marry me and raise our child with me."

He smiled, "You want to marry me?" he asked and seeing her blush added, "If I ever get out of here I'll have to get you a ring, but be warned I've never been very successful with this whole marriage thing."

"Well maybe you just need the right person," She replied softly and crawled onto his bed next to him. He smiled as all the pains from being shot faded at her touch, and she laid another kiss on his smile, only making his smile bigger. After a moment of silence she asked, "Do you think you'll get better?"

"I hope so."

XXXXXXXXX

Author's note: Well that did have a bit of fluff but no matter, tell me what you thought.


	8. Meant to Be

Author's note: Yay I'm finally back from vocation which means what little readers I have get an update of this story, wootwoot. Anyways tell me what you thought, being my review whorish self I must remind you to review, because even though five reviews is OK, I've gotten more on previous chapters, so unless this story sucks and you don't want me to update, review!

Disclaimer: Clearly I don't own law and order SVU, honestly why do I write these disclaimers? Oh right I don't want to get sued.

"I just want to know that…everything that's happened to me, my fiancé going crazy and what's happened to John…that somehow it's all _Worth It_." Casey muttered, looking Olivia straight in the eyes as she said the last two words.

"It is…listen, I honestly can't say if he'll survive or not, but maybe what happened to your fiancé was meant to be, maybe you and your fiancé weren't meant to be, maybe you and John were."

Casey sighed, "That's pretty screwed up if you ask me…well I'm going to check on him in the hospital."

Olivia nodded but said no more, fearing she'd just do damage.

XXXXXXXXX

"How's everyone else?" John asked.

"They're fine, Olivia seems to be on good terms with Elliot again, but I think she likes him more than he likes her."

John shook his head, "No they're in love; they just enjoy acting like teenagers." He said dryly, "Honestly what's the matter with those two, what are they scared will happen?"

"They're scared that if they tell each other their feelings, that they'll lose the other one."

"Whatever, how're you, is your shoulder still hurting?"

"No…you know they're on to something, I mean look at what happened to us, if we hadn't ever had a relationship then neither of us would be here right now."

"I don't know if you ask me, no matter what happens, it was worth it; _he's_ worth it." Munch muttered, Casey touched her stomach, all at once understanding the intimacy and wonder of what was growing inside of her.

XXXXXXXXX

Fin gave Casey a smile when she returned to work, "How's the old man doing?" He asked.

She shrugged, "As if I know. Really did you think the doctors would actually tell me something important?" She asked sarcastically, "As if the government would let us know what's really going on."

"I think you should stop spending so much time with John, you're starting to act like him, and it's freaky."

"Is it as freaky as the fact that you sound like a school girl?"

Fin snorted, "Welcome back Case'," he was smiling, but after a moment the smile vanished, "Does he seem OK to you?"

"Honestly? No," she responded but upon seeing the expression on Fin's face, the kind you'd expect from the best friend of a dying man, she added, "I think he'll be OK though."

"Hope so, anyways we've got a wife accused of killing her baby, Warner verified that the baby was suffocated, probably with a pillow, the mother was the only one with access to her baby at the time, the father's dead…" he trailed off for a moment before quickly moving on.

XXXXXXXXX

The next two weeks were routine and she felt a blanket of hopelessness rapping around her. Whenever she was at the hospital she expected that the blanket would only rap tighter around her, but it was more like a sudden ray of sunshine, brief moments of complete understanding a peacefulness, like all those months ago when she'd awoken in his bed for the first time.

"I love you." He said the moment he saw her, she felt her heart melt away and it was all she could do to smile.

"Have the doctors told you anything?" She asked, "Fin's wondering how you're doing."

"Tell him to get his lazy ass down here and see for himself."

"I don't think he's ready, really John, are you getting any better?"

He sighed, "No…they think I'll die tomorrow."

"What? No…no…no." She cried feeling like she was falling into a dark pit.

He suppressed a snigger, "Just screwing with you, they actually tried a new medicine and my body is responding better to it."

"_You bastard_," She muttered smiling, "Will you get better then?"

"Maybe, my chances are better anyways. If I do I'll still be in here for at least another month, then they'll put me on a new medication so I can leave the hospital, but that medication will probably kill me," This time she just rolled her eyes, "Yeah that wont work on you again will it?" He asked.

"Will you really be OK?"

"I don't know Casey, I still could die, but it's looking up, I'll tell the doctors to keep you more up to date on my health. That's not to say they'll listen of course," He explained, "I just don't want you to get your hopes up."

"Too late," she replied, "If you get out what will you do?"

"Hmm well that's my not-so-secret secret."

"What does that mean?" She questioned even though a million ideas were already flying through her head.

"It means Olivia and Elliot came by earlier and they know what the secret is, only they won't tell you." He said smiling.

"We'll see about that." She said and began to head out, but as she opened the door he stopped her.

"Wait…Casey, please don't get your hopes up…about me," he said, "Nothing's for certain…I could still die."

She felt as if she had better start crying, because it didn't seem much better than before. But for once she felt an overpowering surge of hope that Munch's words of warning couldn't break. She knew there was some truth to what Olivia had said about her and her old fiancé not being meant to be…She sighed, this time certain she'd found true love, that nothing would go wrong again. Being with Munch, raising a child together, and loving him, that was what she'd always needed, but would have never known she did if it weren't for what happened to her fiancé.

XXXXXXXXXX

Author's note: Ok tell me what you thought, hmm that was fluffy though eh? But that's to be expected.


	9. Not So Secret Secret

Author's note: OK well you've been very bad reviewers lately, tssk tssk. I think this might be the last chapter because everyone seems to have lost interest in the story. Well see, I might have another one but only if you feed my addiction as a review whore and well review, evil aren't I?

Disclaimer: I don't own Law and Order SVU or any of it's characters.

"I'm headed over to the hospital." Casey announced.

"Oh, no don't go, I'm sure Munch is fine." Olivia replied.

Casey rolled her eyes, "I've been going to see him every day for the past month; do you really think that's going to change today?"

"Yes, I do. Stay here."

Casey shot a questioning stare towards Elliot and Fin but they both just shrugged, "Bye then." She muttered.

Leaving her paperwork behind Olivia quickly grabbed Casey by the arm, "Come on Casey just stay."

"My advice is to listen to her Case'." Elliot said.

Casey sighed, she was defeated, and she knew Olivia wasn't going to let her go anywhere. She wondered if something had happened to Munch, had he been released from the hospital, or had he died? He couldn't have died though, she reassured herself, because then everyone would be in tears, so what did happen?

Over the past month she'd tried to no avail to get the detectives to tell her Munch's not-so-secret-secret, but they wouldn't tell her. The time was certainly right for Munch to be let out of the hospital but maybe on the other hand Olivia was just being annoying and didn't want Casey to go the hospital.

Olivia checked her watch, "You can go home now Casey, but don't go to the hospital."

Casey ran a hand through her strawberry blonde hair, "Ok, I wont, happy?"

"Just go home councilor." Elliot said Casey looked at him for a moment, annoyed at him for not using her name. Elliot smiled slightly, which made Casey even more certain that they were all hiding something from her.

"Whatever, bye."

XXXXXXXXX

She left in a hurry for her house, a small smile tugging at her lips, she'd called the hospital the moment she left the precinct and they told her Munch had been released. He was obviously planning something for her, and she found pleasure in imagining all the possibilities.

She practically ran up the stairs to her apartment, ignoring the elevator nearby. She couldn't go too fast, because of the baby but she still managed to get up to her apartment in the space of a minute.

She fumbled with the keys to open the door to her apartment, a small bubble of excitement in her throat. She pushed the door open expecting everyone to jump out and yell, 'surprise!" but was disappointed to find no one there. Just to be sure she checked behind all the couches and inside each room, but found nothing. It wasn't until a good 15 minutes later, when she settled down to watch the TV that she noticed a note attached to the screen.

_Hey Casey, it's Olivia writing this during my lunch break, as you probably guessed sending you to your apartment was just to distract you. Stay where you are though, you've got tomorrow off so feel free to party all night long. But don't you get drunk, because well, you know why. _

Casey arched an eyebrow, wondering if anything was actually going to happen tonight. For a while she just contently sat and watched TV, flicking through the channels. She jumped when she heard a nock on her door.

She quickly scurried over to open it, "Surprise." Munch muttered.

She let a sloppy smile plaster her face, and she hugged him tightly, "Careful you'll squeeze the life out of both me and the kid," He said, "Casey, my body's still not perfectly healed, it can't take your hugs."

She let go, "I'm just glad you're all right...you are all right, right? This isn't some hallucination is it?"

"No, it's me in the flesh."

"Just checking, so you promised me you had a not-so-secret-secret."

"You remembered that?" he asked, she nodded her head and kissed him.

"So what is it?"

"It's a secret."

"Tell me!"

"Not until you come with me back to my apartment."

XXXXXXXXX

"Keep your eyes closed, don't open them until I say you can." He ordered.

"OK, just hurry up."

"Be patient." He said but he opened the door quickly and led her inside his apartment, he'd done his best to make it look tidy but just to be sure he'd brought Olivia in to clean things up before he and Casey arrived. He scanned the area quickly to make sure Olivia was gone before telling Casey to open her eyes.

"I don't see anything..."

"There's not actually anything to see, the not-so-secret-secret has been in my pocket this whole time," He explained, "Do you want it?"

"Yes."

"Hmm, Ok I guess you can have it, will you marry me?" He asked and pulled the little box from his pocket, revealing a diamond ring, she nodded her head numbly, "Aren't you going to say anything? Well I guess it's a no then." He added sarcastically.

"Yes...yes...just give me the God damn ring."

He smiled, "If you insist." He took her hand and placed the ring on her wedding finger, it sparkled slightly and seemed to go perfectly with her hand, like it was always meant to be there.

Author's note: Ok well since nobody likes this story anymore I might just end it here, however, if you are very nice reviewers and give me lots of reviews I might not just update but I might consider writing a sequel about how life for them is like with the baby, where tons of overly dramatic stuff is bound to occur.


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